Entrapment

If you’re like everyone else in the world, you’ve probably never wondered what kind of traps they sell at the PolyArmoury.

Well, wonder even less than that, dear friends, for I present to you on this day –

The PolyArmoury Sales Catalogue

Lair, Wallow & Further – Classic Traps for the Modern Dungeon Master.

The Pointymatic floor mounted, foot penetration device. 1000g

This isn’t just any spike floor trap, this is a self-resetting, self-cleaning, floor trap. 30 gnome-crafted, diamond tipped, Stabbatier oblisk blades are deployed at in a mere .25 of a second and can be ready to fire again in as little as 30 seconds. Perfect for when you’re visited by a single adventurer or a larger party.

The Swingmaster 760 1500g

This 300 lb, expertly designed swinging ceiling axe is a modern take on a dungeon protection classic. With a trigger you’ll swear is invisible to even the most keen eyed adventurer. This fine Stabbatier blade will swing down and cleave your enemey like an expert butcher.
Clean up is a breeze thanks to it’s patented quick detach system.
Guaranteed sharp for over a thousand uses*

The Rustic Collection Rolling Ball 750g

We all remember the great dungeons of yesteryear with great fondness. Some traps are truely timeless, and The Rustic Collection truely delivers with this classic – The Rolling Ball.
Make a dungeon your ancesters would be proud of, with one of the greatest hits of years gone by.
Triggered by a simple floor tile that will blend in with any dungeon flooring and ready to roll down any hallway to your specifications.

The Rustic Collection Dungeon Alarm 10g

Who has time these days for fancy alarms and traps that need to be reset after any low-level ranger has bumbled in?
For the busy dungeon master on the go, we present The Rustic Collection Dungeon Alarm. Expertly twisted twine stretches across your hallway and is connected to hand picked metal cans capable of alerting your minions within 30-60 feet.
Why pay more when you can pay smart?

The Lair, Wallow & Further Vertical Displacement Device 250g

This is gnome engineering at it’s finest. Perfect for hallways, treasure rooms, and even throne rooms. The Vertical Displacement Device will drop away to the void, lava pit, or hungry warg pen of your choice**
This isn’t just any trap door, this is the latest and most well oiled trap door you’ve ever set foot on, or your money back***

The Lair, Wallow & Further Springy Thingy 800g

Laugh maniacally for hours as you watch helpless adventurers catapulted backwards down hallways or into pits, with this drow-designed, gnome-crafted artefact of pure entertainment. The Springy Thingy can lift up to 600lbs and fling it up to 30 feet. On top of that, it can be ready to fire again in as little as 25 seconds.
The perfect addition to any dungeon on the up.

*In no way guaranteed.
**Void, lava pit, or hungry warg pen not included.
***Should you survive having set foot on it we in no way guarantee your money back.


Merkin the Aggy Wizard – Magical solutions to keep those filthy adventurers off your land.

MTAW Sticking Point 300g

We carve the finest binding runes into custom designed stone, to match your dungeon flooring. Once triggered it will hold a creature or adventurer of up to size “Giant” for up to 60 years.
Watch the filthy trespassers wither and die or torture them for as long as they live, in safety and comfort.
The Sticking Point is magic holding circle of choice for a new generation of dungeon owners.

MTAW Blow Off 450g

Who has time to cast gust of wind themselves? It requires concentration and beans. Let the magical artificers of Merkin The Aggy Wizard take care of that for you. Simply load legumes into the hopper and when triggered it will blast out a 60 foot x 10 foot blast of wind you don’t even have to think about.
Go on, blow your enemies today!

MTAW Eyes On The Prize 800g (includes 1 ball and mirror, additional balls 500g)

Whether you need to keep an eye on light fingered minions or watch for adventurers on the pillage, the Merkin The Aggy Wizard Eyes On The Prize crystal security ball is the arcane artefact for you.
Up to 64 can be connected to a beautifully designed magic mirror that would look at home in any throne room.
Simple gesture controlls allow you to switch views, zoom, or pan.
(Mirror available in silver plate or onyx effect finish)

MTAW Anti-magic Field 275g

Sometimes the best magical defence is denying them the use of magic at all.
Merkin The Aggy Wizard has you covered. These runes will block any magic use within 45 feet and mean you can get on with the business of a more martial disposal of your wand waggling enemies.
Simple to set up and available from stock today.

MTAW’s AWOL Wall 1750g

Never mind trapdoors, pits, prisons, or torture rooms. Merkin The Aggy Wizard presents: The AWOL Wall. Fitting seamlessly across any section of hallway, this one way portal to the deepest depths of the abyssal realm. An eternity of chaotic insanity awaits them beyond the veil, and they won’t even see it coming.
Say goodbye forever to all that annoy you and thanks to our new patented Fuckyoustaythere Runes(TM), you can be sure that nothing nasty will be slithering out of there or your money back*


Gruumch Praiser Designs – by Alestar the Quirky.

Behead-U-Well 1450g
Big spinny blade wheel does a cutting.
Chop chop, much blood. You like.
Do a buy. We make good trap, yes!
Such trap, very decapitate, wow!

Floor Jaws 1270g

Gnash gnash. Like big doggo.
Take their hecking legs clean off.
Hahahaha. So much blood. Cut a troll even. You not believe, but true.
Do a test, you see. Maybe not do test yourself. Use minion.
Hahahaha. Blood make Gruumch happy.
Hail Gruumch!


Squirtytronics – Spray the prey away.

Squirtytronics have been making wall mounted spray traps for over 700 years. We pride ourselves on our fine heritage of producing only the best in professional dungeon protection devices. They may come a little expensive, but you can rest safe in the knowledge that you’ve got the highest level of protection where you need it most.

The complete Squirtytronics range includes:

The Dragon’s Throat 2000g

A 30 foot blast of scortching fire that will leave your enemy a charred mess and reset in under 40 seconds.

Nature’s Vomit 1700g

Up to 20 foot coverage of poisoned mist leaves even the hardiest of adventurers incapacitated in as little as three actions.

Tundra Breath 1950g

Feel the chill wind of this icy aperture. Can freeze even a dwarf solid in under 2 seconds and is ready for action again in another 60.

The Bile Duct 1700g

The finest acid ready to melt the skin off a troll at 35 feet. This is the connoisseur’s choice in spray trap technology.


Jilted Goblin – Precision, Style, Elegance.

AG724 Multiple Arrow Deployment Device 3500g

The AG724 is the finest, arrow wall defence mechanism known to the planner universe.
A precision engineered duplication device replicates 40 arrows in 25 seconds.
Gnome engineered, platinum grade clockwork micro-ballistas launch them up to 47.5 feet and automatically reset and reload to fire again.
Master wizards craft each sensory crystal to be sure that nothing can get by undetected or un-pierced.

CB6000 Adventure Flattening Device 5750g

The most highly skilled gnome craftsmen, trained for 50 years to produce the platinum grade clockwork mechanisms used to fashion this truly breathtaking dungeon defence device.
Only the finest materials are employed in the construction of the CB6000, to ensure that your enemies aren’t merely crushed, but cold-pressed under extreme pressure, to keep in all their nutrients.
When it’s decent is complete, it rises seamlessly back into a hand-crafted ceiling recess that is undetectable by all but the most critically observant.
Guaranteed to last as long as your dungeon should stand.


Eldritch Farms

Eldritch Farms have been the choice discerning dungeon masters for years.
Our hand reared mimics are some of the most perfectly formed and vicious killers that money can buy.
Available in three sizes:

The Jewellery Box 500g

Perfect for taking off a finger or two.

The Petite Chest 1000g

Looks perfectly at home in the more demure treasure room.
Can comfortably eat an entire nothic, with room for goblin after.

The Casket Deluxe 2725g

This perfect specimen is raised to the highest standards and the perfect accompaniment for the most magnificent loot hordes across the underdark.
Very little would be left of even the sturdiest of ogres.

SMR Now On iTunes

*shudder* Ok, I’m not a fan of Apple, or anything they do. However, their devices are errrrvrwrrr. I’ve had a ton of comments asking if PolyArmoury could be on other platforms than Soundcloud and YouTube, so here we are: a many headed beast that enjoys the taste of your soul. jk. It’s a link to our iTunes page.

Yep, there you go the beast has eaten my morals. Enjoy.

PolyArmoury – Episode 5 – Death From Above

https://soundcloud.com/jane-aerith-magnet/polyarmoury-episode-5-death-from-above

 

This week the polycule are bringing friends together. A trip to see Trashboi (with an i) leads them going on a fun adventure together.
It all turns a little sour though when some aggressive arrivals turn up at the surface gate.
There’s some fighting, some death, a small human horde, and mention of a “Thordsson” and a “Gailawei”.
What could all this mean?
And what of the spiders?

 

PolyArmoury – Episode 1 – Trash Salute

Sorry for the late posting here. I’ve been away and only managed to get the audio uploaded to SoundCloud before I went.

Well, Here is Episode 1 of PolyArmoury. Following immediately on from the prologue episode, our policule are now residing in Mordtown and working under Vendirak (The Half-Drow/Half-Ogre with a magic eye – not the pictures, I mean, she might have one of them kicking about in the stockroom somewhere but I mean that one of her eyes is actually magical.) Vendi has heard from a new dungeon lord that’s setting up, just outside town. Time for the party to start earning their way and to meet Impstagram celebrity, Trashboi (with an i).

Get your fidget spinners spinning and practice your formal greetings, it’s PolyArmoury.

 

Daroo’s Fried Rat

For those who wondered what was available to our adventurers during their dinner break at Daroo’s Fried Rat.

Please see Chris to place your order.

 

Daroo’s Fried Rat – Menu

CrokeCola
Regular = 9c – Large = 1s2c

Fries
Regular = 1s – Large = 1s3c

Daroo’s original recipe rat
2 piece = 1s7c – 3 piece = 2s4c

Frisky strips (3 small fried rats with the back legs still kicking)
1s5c

4 spicy rat wings
1s2c

Rat fillet burger
1s

Double fillet rat burger
1s7c

Triple fillet rat burger
2s1c

Cheese slice
1c

Hashbrown
8c

Warchief burger (Double rat fillet w/ cheese, hashbrown & spicy relish)
2s5c

Dessert Rat (fried in sweet dough and dipped in sugar)
1s5c

Gluttony meal (Warchief burger or 3 pc Original recipe rat or 6 Frisky strips, 2 spicy rat wings, large fries, large Croke and a free mystery gift)
5s1c

Add dessert for just 9c

PolyArmoury – Prologue

With their home, already under siege from small minded, petty bureaucrats and an orc pimp with a grudge. Madame Valarie, her lover Brilmara, and their lover & consensual slave boy, Thrall, flee in the middle of the night when their town is destroyed by human forces wielding powerful magics.

Tweet the show @PolyArmourySMR or using the hashtag #PolySMR

 

I’m quite pleased with how it turned out. I’ve never edited a podcast before, especially one which would require this level of editing. Ultimately I feel like the planning was worth it but I’ll need far more for next time to make sure there’s plenty to do.

Prologue and episode one were recorded together so just need to get on and edit the rest of that and start getting ready for the next session. At the moment it’s looking like it will be going up monthly as we all have a lot coming up time wise.

Laura will be at CoxCon for the weekend 21/07-24/07 (There will be all new shiny merch there if you’re interested.

George and I will be at Trans Pride on the 22/07, so come say hi if your there.

I believe there’s a chance we may all be at Brighton Pride 07/08 so again, not much time to record.

PolyArmoury is live now on YouTube and SoundCloud.

Looking forward to feedback on the show. I know I have a lot to learn, but it’s a pretty healthy start I feel.

PolyArmoury Recording Soon

It’s official, the first episode of PolyArmoury will be recording on Friday. We’re hoping to get at least the pilot and first episode recorded. We’ll be releasing one episode a week for the first few weeks but I’m hoping to increase that to two as soon as our outside schedules settle down a little.

If you’re itching for some information, clues, and titbits, check out the PolyArmoury twitter account @PolyArmourySMR – which is currently in the hands of the PolyArmoury’s manager, Vendirak – or tweet the hashtag #PolySMR.