Entrapment

If you’re like everyone else in the world, you’ve probably never wondered what kind of traps they sell at the PolyArmoury.

Well, wonder even less than that, dear friends, for I present to you on this day –

The PolyArmoury Sales Catalogue

Lair, Wallow & Further – Classic Traps for the Modern Dungeon Master.

The Pointymatic floor mounted, foot penetration device. 1000g

This isn’t just any spike floor trap, this is a self-resetting, self-cleaning, floor trap. 30 gnome-crafted, diamond tipped, Stabbatier oblisk blades are deployed at in a mere .25 of a second and can be ready to fire again in as little as 30 seconds. Perfect for when you’re visited by a single adventurer or a larger party.

The Swingmaster 760 1500g

This 300 lb, expertly designed swinging ceiling axe is a modern take on a dungeon protection classic. With a trigger you’ll swear is invisible to even the most keen eyed adventurer. This fine Stabbatier blade will swing down and cleave your enemey like an expert butcher.
Clean up is a breeze thanks to it’s patented quick detach system.
Guaranteed sharp for over a thousand uses*

The Rustic Collection Rolling Ball 750g

We all remember the great dungeons of yesteryear with great fondness. Some traps are truely timeless, and The Rustic Collection truely delivers with this classic – The Rolling Ball.
Make a dungeon your ancesters would be proud of, with one of the greatest hits of years gone by.
Triggered by a simple floor tile that will blend in with any dungeon flooring and ready to roll down any hallway to your specifications.

The Rustic Collection Dungeon Alarm 10g

Who has time these days for fancy alarms and traps that need to be reset after any low-level ranger has bumbled in?
For the busy dungeon master on the go, we present The Rustic Collection Dungeon Alarm. Expertly twisted twine stretches across your hallway and is connected to hand picked metal cans capable of alerting your minions within 30-60 feet.
Why pay more when you can pay smart?

The Lair, Wallow & Further Vertical Displacement Device 250g

This is gnome engineering at it’s finest. Perfect for hallways, treasure rooms, and even throne rooms. The Vertical Displacement Device will drop away to the void, lava pit, or hungry warg pen of your choice**
This isn’t just any trap door, this is the latest and most well oiled trap door you’ve ever set foot on, or your money back***

The Lair, Wallow & Further Springy Thingy 800g

Laugh maniacally for hours as you watch helpless adventurers catapulted backwards down hallways or into pits, with this drow-designed, gnome-crafted artefact of pure entertainment. The Springy Thingy can lift up to 600lbs and fling it up to 30 feet. On top of that, it can be ready to fire again in as little as 25 seconds.
The perfect addition to any dungeon on the up.

*In no way guaranteed.
**Void, lava pit, or hungry warg pen not included.
***Should you survive having set foot on it we in no way guarantee your money back.


Merkin the Aggy Wizard – Magical solutions to keep those filthy adventurers off your land.

MTAW Sticking Point 300g

We carve the finest binding runes into custom designed stone, to match your dungeon flooring. Once triggered it will hold a creature or adventurer of up to size “Giant” for up to 60 years.
Watch the filthy trespassers wither and die or torture them for as long as they live, in safety and comfort.
The Sticking Point is magic holding circle of choice for a new generation of dungeon owners.

MTAW Blow Off 450g

Who has time to cast gust of wind themselves? It requires concentration and beans. Let the magical artificers of Merkin The Aggy Wizard take care of that for you. Simply load legumes into the hopper and when triggered it will blast out a 60 foot x 10 foot blast of wind you don’t even have to think about.
Go on, blow your enemies today!

MTAW Eyes On The Prize 800g (includes 1 ball and mirror, additional balls 500g)

Whether you need to keep an eye on light fingered minions or watch for adventurers on the pillage, the Merkin The Aggy Wizard Eyes On The Prize crystal security ball is the arcane artefact for you.
Up to 64 can be connected to a beautifully designed magic mirror that would look at home in any throne room.
Simple gesture controlls allow you to switch views, zoom, or pan.
(Mirror available in silver plate or onyx effect finish)

MTAW Anti-magic Field 275g

Sometimes the best magical defence is denying them the use of magic at all.
Merkin The Aggy Wizard has you covered. These runes will block any magic use within 45 feet and mean you can get on with the business of a more martial disposal of your wand waggling enemies.
Simple to set up and available from stock today.

MTAW’s AWOL Wall 1750g

Never mind trapdoors, pits, prisons, or torture rooms. Merkin The Aggy Wizard presents: The AWOL Wall. Fitting seamlessly across any section of hallway, this one way portal to the deepest depths of the abyssal realm. An eternity of chaotic insanity awaits them beyond the veil, and they won’t even see it coming.
Say goodbye forever to all that annoy you and thanks to our new patented Fuckyoustaythere Runes(TM), you can be sure that nothing nasty will be slithering out of there or your money back*


Gruumch Praiser Designs – by Alestar the Quirky.

Behead-U-Well 1450g
Big spinny blade wheel does a cutting.
Chop chop, much blood. You like.
Do a buy. We make good trap, yes!
Such trap, very decapitate, wow!

Floor Jaws 1270g

Gnash gnash. Like big doggo.
Take their hecking legs clean off.
Hahahaha. So much blood. Cut a troll even. You not believe, but true.
Do a test, you see. Maybe not do test yourself. Use minion.
Hahahaha. Blood make Gruumch happy.
Hail Gruumch!


Squirtytronics – Spray the prey away.

Squirtytronics have been making wall mounted spray traps for over 700 years. We pride ourselves on our fine heritage of producing only the best in professional dungeon protection devices. They may come a little expensive, but you can rest safe in the knowledge that you’ve got the highest level of protection where you need it most.

The complete Squirtytronics range includes:

The Dragon’s Throat 2000g

A 30 foot blast of scortching fire that will leave your enemy a charred mess and reset in under 40 seconds.

Nature’s Vomit 1700g

Up to 20 foot coverage of poisoned mist leaves even the hardiest of adventurers incapacitated in as little as three actions.

Tundra Breath 1950g

Feel the chill wind of this icy aperture. Can freeze even a dwarf solid in under 2 seconds and is ready for action again in another 60.

The Bile Duct 1700g

The finest acid ready to melt the skin off a troll at 35 feet. This is the connoisseur’s choice in spray trap technology.


Jilted Goblin – Precision, Style, Elegance.

AG724 Multiple Arrow Deployment Device 3500g

The AG724 is the finest, arrow wall defence mechanism known to the planner universe.
A precision engineered duplication device replicates 40 arrows in 25 seconds.
Gnome engineered, platinum grade clockwork micro-ballistas launch them up to 47.5 feet and automatically reset and reload to fire again.
Master wizards craft each sensory crystal to be sure that nothing can get by undetected or un-pierced.

CB6000 Adventure Flattening Device 5750g

The most highly skilled gnome craftsmen, trained for 50 years to produce the platinum grade clockwork mechanisms used to fashion this truly breathtaking dungeon defence device.
Only the finest materials are employed in the construction of the CB6000, to ensure that your enemies aren’t merely crushed, but cold-pressed under extreme pressure, to keep in all their nutrients.
When it’s decent is complete, it rises seamlessly back into a hand-crafted ceiling recess that is undetectable by all but the most critically observant.
Guaranteed to last as long as your dungeon should stand.


Eldritch Farms

Eldritch Farms have been the choice discerning dungeon masters for years.
Our hand reared mimics are some of the most perfectly formed and vicious killers that money can buy.
Available in three sizes:

The Jewellery Box 500g

Perfect for taking off a finger or two.

The Petite Chest 1000g

Looks perfectly at home in the more demure treasure room.
Can comfortably eat an entire nothic, with room for goblin after.

The Casket Deluxe 2725g

This perfect specimen is raised to the highest standards and the perfect accompaniment for the most magnificent loot hordes across the underdark.
Very little would be left of even the sturdiest of ogres.

Myxomatosis Rex – Overgrowth

Overgrowth is a third-person action game by Wolfire Games and is available now. In this sequel to similarly styled 2005 game Lugaru – by the same developer – you play Turner, an anthropomorphic rabbit with some pretty sweet fighting moves. The game takes place in a pre-industrial world, populated by anthro rabbits, rats, dogs, wolves, and cats.

I’ll be honest up-front and say that I got a review copy so it’s bound to have swayed me to add a point to the final score (It’s 2/10. There, I saved you the pain of what happens next). With that in mind, here goes.

Overgrowth began development in 2008 and was released on Steam Early Access in 2013. January 2017 saw the game’s official update to beta, before the bunny burst into a full release 16 October the same year. There’s been a good amount of playtesting done by the community and I’ve seen videos of the game running well on YouTube, so it can be made to run well, it did not manage that on my system. Instead it coughed, wheezed and waddled along like an elderly asthmatic badger. As such, it somewhat killed my interest very early on. Still, I can only review what I experience. Curiously I found that changing the graphics settings did nothing to the speed it ran at, but did make the graphics a little more attractive and detailed. Woo, shiny garbage!

Visually Overgrowth looks all of it’s 9 years, and not in a good way. Despite heavy grass cover of some of the more pastoral sections, the world does feel rather empty. Townships feel lifeless, bar a few bits of foliage, some stacked boxes, and – for some reason – rugs in the streets. “Gosh, this town of endlessly repeating cobblestone texture is looking a bit bland. I wonder what I can do to spice it up? Ah, fuck it. I’ll just shove down a few rugs, it worked in the living room, right.” Bless the dev, I know I couldn’t make anything even remotely this good, or good looking, but I’m not the one selling this game.

The screen is usually found uncluttered by things like useful information of any sort. Turner’s health is best determined by how smeared with ketchup they look at any moment. Only the occasional button prompt near the beginning advising of the controls and some minor tips upon your death. These are presented in fairly plain white text that feel a little place-holdery. Considering the amount of time spent on this game, it’s a shame that there are these presentation hiccups that leave a sour taste in the mouth.

According to the product description, Turner is a lightning-fast acrobatic ninja rabbit. According to me, they’re a wobbly rag-doll that falls to a pathetic physics heap on contact with enemies and is prone to sliding for hundreds of feet if not impeded by a handy building or rock. Choose to go in all… er… feet blazing, or stealthily sneak up to your enemies, choke them out and deposit them off the edge of a nearby cliff.

There may be no loading time if you die and need to restart a section, but there are some fairly extensive loads between levels that do rather drag on in the early sections of the game. Here’s a village, kill that bunny and mayyyyybe that bun over there. LOADING TIME (one last call for alcohol…), plot, plot, plot, kill 2 enemies, MOAR LOADING, “look yonder, a random structure with a fire and some boxes nearby”, you may now kill 5 enemies, “one order of loading, extra plot, hold the mushrooms”, next up jumping puzzle. Stop it. I can only get so moist. No seriously, the excitement is just too much. Help me, I’m drowning in my own knickers.

Controls are ok. I went with my 360 pad for this review as I just prefer third-person games with a pad. For some reason most of the controls are on the shoulder buttons/triggers. Attacks on right trigger, right bumper to jump, and the left side for grapple and roll. Sadly, the game only offers partial controller support, so you can pause but you’ll need the mouse to navigate menus.

Now fine, Turner is a rabbit, so sure, they jump high. I get you. However, the physics are comedic in their low gravity nature. It’s not quite Goat Simulator, but it often feels like your character is one heavy gym session away from getting aggy at a passing sparrow and just headbutting it (stay tuned for the third instalment in this series where a steroid-fuelled Turner leaps out of the atmosphere and freezes to death in the void due to an argument with a pigeon, expected 2045). I perhaps spent more time that necessary performing kicks and somersaults off of flights of stairs, while still getting a safe landing. At which point, it was more like Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1 + parkour + furries, and actually, I feel like that would have been a better game. There was also fun to be had carrying fallen enemies to the nearest cliff and kicking them off. Pro tip there, if you ever end up getting this accidentally in a bundle and figure you’ll try it out anyway, one very bored Thursday lunchtime when you’re off sick with a cold (*cough cough* comedown *cough*).

There’s community mods apparently, and I think it’s telling that the one I see advertised most is for optimising the grass and promising to restore a minimum of 15fps *audience make a collective “oooooooooOOOOOHH”*.

There you go, I can’t bare to think game about this anymore.

Pros:

  • It’s not entirely ugly.
  • There’s fun to be had fly kicking enemies in the face from half a mile away.
  • It’s got bunnies, and that means bunny ears *wistful sigh*.
  • It uninstalls, fairly quickly.

Cons:

  • The screaming in my head that happens whenever I think of this now.
  • World feels rather empty.
  • Textures aren’t great.
  • Feels rushed to release.

Final score: 2/10

Overgrowth is now available on PC, Mac & Linux.

Available from the Humble Store.

 

A Hat in Time – What do yer have to say for yerself, CUNT?!

A Hat in Time is a new 3D platformer reminiscent of N64 classics like Banjo Kazooie & Mario 64, created by Gears for Breakfast, and releasing 5th October 2017.

The game follows the character of Hat Kid, a small person with a fine taste in hats and spaceship design. Our adventure begins with our protagonist passing over a strange planet. A balding individual with a curious accent demands a flying boat tax. Cue some destruction of property and all your precious fuel (time pieces) being blown out of the window and sprinkling the planet below.

Almost immediately you’re introduced to fur-faced Little Red Riding Hood, Mustache Girl along with more of the curious and gruff Mafia.

I’ll be up front, I Kickstarted this game, I also got a review copy, so… do what you will with that information.

Now, crowdfunding for this game ended in June 2013 and delivery was estimated to be February 2014. Clearly, we’re a teensy bit behind schedule. However, Gears for Breakfast, have been nothing but transparent – as far as I could tell as a backer – with regards to what they’ve been doing with their time. My inbox has pinged with fair regularity regarding the progress, and I’ve always been happy with what I’ve seen. Perhaps things were different for those more closely following the project, those who bought in to get Alpha or Beta access, but I couldn’t say.

I’ve been pretty lucky with Kickstarters, all the games I’ve backed have actually come out, some of them were even good and worked on my system. I’m happy to say A Hat In Time ran perfectly. The one issue I encountered was patched out the day after I ran into it, and well before release.. No complaints there. The same, however, could not be said for another 3D platformer that came out this year.

I’m talking, of course, about Yooka-Laylee. The “Rare-vival” game by Playtonic. A group of former Rare staff. Firstly, that game featured a bug that meant that I couldn’t even play it for about a week after release, and even then it was by copying someone else’s save file over with the first section completed, not through a patch to actually make it work. The game was pretty boring and in many ways and felt like a naff re-skin of Banjo.

Before I get anyone jumping in saying “you probably just never played the classics, Banjo/Mario 64/Spyro” I did, I loved them, even when the camera controls made me want to hang myself with a controller, I loved them. Yooka, was just not that interesting. A Hat In Time, is that interesting. It’s pretty, it controls really well, it runs well, I wasn’t fighting the camera, the enemies are well designed and interesting, the music is delightful and the level design is wonderful.

Hat Kid’s ship serves as the main hub for the game and as you recover more time pieces, you can access new areas. Each world, or chapter, features a number of individual levels. some of these are played out in modified versions of the same location, while others are more complete levels in themselves. Mafia Town – the first world – for example, is played exclusively in the large open town level. This is modified later when it becomes flooded with lava and you must carefully make your way around to turn off giant faucets.

From the second chapter onwards, level design is much more varied. A mixture of finding key items, pure platforming and tricky but fun boss battles. The second

As is typical for the genre, there’s plenty to collect, from the basic gem currency, to safe codes, artifacts, yarn, and more. With all this, there’s plenty of reason to dive back into areas. Thanks to the way most of the worlds are laid out, you can find the rest of the collectables in any variant of the main area.

As the game progresses you encounter more types of yarn, allowing you to sew new hats and unlock abilities. You start with the stylish and fancy purple top hat that Hat Kit is usually shown in, but will quickly find enough material to sew a shiny new speed hat. This allows you to run like the wind, well… jog like the wind.

In addition to hats there are badges to be bought from a mysterious figure who looks like the spirit of an Ubisoft launch day (you’ll know who I mean when you meet them). Just hand over the required number of gem pons and you can adorn your hats, allowing yet more abilities. Examples Include an upgrade to the speed hat that lets you ride around on a cute little moped and another that lets you fire a beam of energy from your umbrella.

When pre-Alpha footage was shared along with the Kickstarter, the game already looked pretty good, but 4 years in, it’s shined up beautifully. The levels are large and interesting, what you’ll see is bold, bright and colourful, and scenes are well dressed.

As mentioned before, the music is a delight. It’s exactly what one would expect from the genre. From the bright and cheerful electro capering Mafia Town, to the spooky ambience of Subcon Forrest, and driving metal for the boss fights. These aren’t too obtrusive or repetitive and that is particularly important when you’re struggling with an area (not the game’s fault, I’m just not great at speed and precision sections).

I played all the way through with my 360 controller and found it very comfortable and intuitive. However, for the sake of review I tried out keyboard and mouse. It was far less fun. Though still manageable, finding important controls on left shift and control while moving with WASD, did not make for a fun time. At the time of writing, there is no option to redefine keys.

Overall, I had a lot of fun with this, and while I managed to get through the bulk of the game in about 12 hours, I’m keen to get back in and gather up the last few time pieces and see what else this gem has to show me.

If you’re looking for a good blast of 3D platforming nostalgia that still has something unique to say for itself, you can’t go far with this cute and vibrant new edition to the genre.

Pros:

  • Pretty
  • Fun
  • Great music
  • Nice level design
  • Good Variety

Cons:

  • The C.R.O. agents were rude about my CUNT
  • I could not beat that final boss on Subcon Forest
  • Felt a little short

Final score: 8/10

A Hat in Time releases 5th October 2017 on PC, Mac, Xbox One & PS4

Available from the Humble Store.

SMR Now On iTunes

*shudder* Ok, I’m not a fan of Apple, or anything they do. However, their devices are errrrvrwrrr. I’ve had a ton of comments asking if PolyArmoury could be on other platforms than Soundcloud and YouTube, so here we are: a many headed beast that enjoys the taste of your soul. jk. It’s a link to our iTunes page.

Yep, there you go the beast has eaten my morals. Enjoy.

PolyArmoury – Episode 5 – Death From Above

https://soundcloud.com/jane-aerith-magnet/polyarmoury-episode-5-death-from-above

 

This week the polycule are bringing friends together. A trip to see Trashboi (with an i) leads them going on a fun adventure together.
It all turns a little sour though when some aggressive arrivals turn up at the surface gate.
There’s some fighting, some death, a small human horde, and mention of a “Thordsson” and a “Gailawei”.
What could all this mean?
And what of the spiders?

 

PolyArmoury – Episode 2 – Get Hammered

Episode 2 is now live. The morning after the spoon before. Vendirak has had a lead on Mod’Ra’Tar – the legendary hammer of Bann Trollslayer. Our polycule are sent out to the gnoll’s warehouse on the edge of town with a hash stone to check the goods. Something seems fishy.

Brilmara takes a trip to Bumbles to pick up spell components, Madame Valerie desires juice, and Thrall will kill again.