Hyrule Genocide Simulator


Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition has just been released on Nintendo Switch. This is actually the third version of the Nintendo-property-skinned genocide simulator from developer Koei Tecmo, having previously been released on WiiU and 3DS. I’m told this one suffers with less frame rate issues than the previous incarnations, but having never played them, I couldn’t say for sure.

You take control of various familiar faces from the Legend of Zelda franchise history + KT’s self-insert character, that I’m fairly certain is contractually required in all such games. The game opens with Hyrule castle being attacked by enemy forces and Link – here appearing initially as a fairly standard guard, training at the castle – find’s themself on a chaotic battlefield full of demonic looking little bastards that need a strongly worded… sword to the face. Hack cleave and grind your way around the map, following blips on your minimap and character conversations in a tiny box on the bottom left of the screen.


Ok, here goes, I’m going to wade in with everything I hate about this game *hits the badge shop and throws all the resources into defence badges*. I get easily overwhelmed. It’s a thing. If there’s too much going on around me in the street, I sometimes need to just go hide in a toilet stall and gather myself. So the idea that I would have to track hundreds of onscreen enemies, a minimap that could do with being about 10-20% larger to be clear enough, and unvoiced character conversations in a tiny corner of the screen. That’s too much, man!

*waits for the bottles of piss to stop being thrown*

Right, so here’s the thing. I love this game. I’ve been playing it every spare minute and I nearly blew off going out for my friend’s birthday this weekend because it would have allowed me another 8 hours of solid play. In spite of all I listed above, this game is brilliant fun and very addictive. The first thing I had to learn – as this is my first time really digging into a Warriors game – is that a lot of the shit on screen really doesn’t matter. You just push your way through the general minions to whoever the quest marker deems important, like a white, middle-class woman with a bob desperate to take her ire out on the store manager. Then, if the quest marker isn’t satisfied with their answer, you go find someone more senior to shout at until victory happens (look out summer 2019 for Soccer Mom Warriors).


As you progress through the game you’ll gain experience from those that fall at your blade (or crossbows, or book… somehow). As you level up, your characters become stronger. Just stronger, no other stats matter. Just how ready you are for more slaughter.

Randomly brutalising any enemy with a health bar can gain you extra weapons or materials. Weapons add a little more strength to your attacks and often come with various elemental or bonus perks. These perks include the ability to find better weapons (with higher damage or more perk slots), power up certain combos, have advantages against certain enemies, or the ability to find better materials. Perks can be swapped into empty slots in the smithy between battles, for a price.

The final way to power up your characters is with badges. These are crafted between levels and allow yet more perks. These come in three delicious flavours: attack, defence, and assist. The attack badges unlock more combos, more damage against defending foes, give additional special attack uses, etc. Defence badges will let you take less damage from different elemental sources or allow use of health potions. Assist badges allow you to take over enemy keeps more quickly and increase the duration of certain power-ups. Each character will need their own badges, and each may require different materials for the same badges, on different characters. So there’s going to need to be a lot of item farming if you want to unlock everything for everyone.

The Story Mode takes you on a super meandering journey through Hyrule to defeat Cia (a witch originally tasked with keeping the balance of the Triforce) as she causes chaos while trying to gather up some funky glowing orbs. I’ll not spoil the plot here, but there’s more to it than that, obvs. The story takes several branches along the way, as you get to visit areas from Ocarina of Time, Twiglet Princess, and Skyward Sword. Then sends you back to see things from other perspectives. See how things got going for Cia and her captains – Volga and Wizzro. In addition, you can enjoy Linkle’s side adventure. (Side note: Pleeeeeease Nintendo, we need you to fully adopt Linkle, she’s hecking awesome and needs to be in mainstream LoZ games).


The graphics are beautiful and the characters are really nicely modelled. It’s really good to see hi-def versions of so many familiar faces form LoZ history. Each of these warriors plays quite differently, having different movement speeds. From the plodding Goron, Darunia to the fleet of foot Link. Each character has a number of combo attacks and specials to wreak havoc on the armies that oppose you. The animations for these are pretty stunning, but can get a little repetitive if you’re playing the same character for an extended period. A perfect excuse to swap out to another of the 28 playable characters.

As well as the familiar playable characters, there’s some familiar boss monsters in the shapes of King Dodongo, Gohma, Manhandla, the Imprisoned,  the Helmaroc King. They all look stunning and all need to be taken down at some point. Luckily, you’ll slowly be gathering the unique items during the game that will help with this. Series favourites like Bombs, boomerang, hookshot, bow and arrows, and hammer will help you take those giant, aggy arseholes down in short order.

While all the original game characters are open from the start, the DLC characters of old now have to be unlocked from Adventure Mode. Speaking of which, here’s where you’ll be spending a considerable amount of time if you want to get those final characters and indeed the epic number of alternate character costumes and weapons that are hidden away. I’d felt like the Story Mode had been a good value for money experience. Then I popped open Adventure mode – as the character select screen was now showing a bunch of question mark characters in addition to those I already had – and it suddenly became obvious to me that amount of content in this game is fucking ridiculous.


There are 9 separate Adventure Mode maps, each with slightly different mechanics, but based on a previous LoZ game. Each cell of the map represents a different challenge and can lead to new character, weapons, costumes, or item cards. These item cards can then be used on certain cells to open up more rewards in other cells of the map. Each of the maps features a wide span of difficulties per level and each map is rated overall from the menu. This is an epic task and should take you a decent chunk of time to work through. I’ve probably put about 16 hours into this mode and still have 2 characters to unlock and I’ve barely touched the weapons and costumes yet. Challenges include slaughtering more mobs than your opponent, butchering a certain number of enemy captains, trouncing a number of boss monsters in a time limit, slaying specific foes to answer questions, and more. Basically, this game does killing a lot.

LoZ has some pretty iconic music, and HW:DE does a wonderful job of covering them as stunning, driving guitar tracks that really add to the metal as fuck mass slaughter fest. I’m terrible for turning off game music and whacking on my own tunes most of the time. I had no intention of doing so with this because it’s just too good. I can’t recommend the soundtrack for this enough.


  • A whole lot of awesome game for your money.
  • Beautiful graphics.
  • Awesome soundtrack.


  • Starting the co-op mode is ridiculously contrived and needs to be reinitialised after each level.
  • The minimap is a little small for my liking.
  • Possibly dangerously addictive.

Final Score: 8/10

Hyrule Warriors: Definitive edition is out now on Switch.


If you’re like everyone else in the world, you’ve probably never wondered what kind of traps they sell at the PolyArmoury.

Well, wonder even less than that, dear friends, for I present to you on this day –

The PolyArmoury Sales Catalogue

Lair, Wallow & Further – Classic Traps for the Modern Dungeon Master.

The Pointymatic floor mounted, foot penetration device. 1000g

This isn’t just any spike floor trap, this is a self-resetting, self-cleaning, floor trap. 30 gnome-crafted, diamond tipped, Stabbatier oblisk blades are deployed at in a mere .25 of a second and can be ready to fire again in as little as 30 seconds. Perfect for when you’re visited by a single adventurer or a larger party.

The Swingmaster 760 1500g

This 300 lb, expertly designed swinging ceiling axe is a modern take on a dungeon protection classic. With a trigger you’ll swear is invisible to even the most keen eyed adventurer. This fine Stabbatier blade will swing down and cleave your enemey like an expert butcher.
Clean up is a breeze thanks to it’s patented quick detach system.
Guaranteed sharp for over a thousand uses*

The Rustic Collection Rolling Ball 750g

We all remember the great dungeons of yesteryear with great fondness. Some traps are truely timeless, and The Rustic Collection truely delivers with this classic – The Rolling Ball.
Make a dungeon your ancesters would be proud of, with one of the greatest hits of years gone by.
Triggered by a simple floor tile that will blend in with any dungeon flooring and ready to roll down any hallway to your specifications.

The Rustic Collection Dungeon Alarm 10g

Who has time these days for fancy alarms and traps that need to be reset after any low-level ranger has bumbled in?
For the busy dungeon master on the go, we present The Rustic Collection Dungeon Alarm. Expertly twisted twine stretches across your hallway and is connected to hand picked metal cans capable of alerting your minions within 30-60 feet.
Why pay more when you can pay smart?

The Lair, Wallow & Further Vertical Displacement Device 250g

This is gnome engineering at it’s finest. Perfect for hallways, treasure rooms, and even throne rooms. The Vertical Displacement Device will drop away to the void, lava pit, or hungry warg pen of your choice**
This isn’t just any trap door, this is the latest and most well oiled trap door you’ve ever set foot on, or your money back***

The Lair, Wallow & Further Springy Thingy 800g

Laugh maniacally for hours as you watch helpless adventurers catapulted backwards down hallways or into pits, with this drow-designed, gnome-crafted artefact of pure entertainment. The Springy Thingy can lift up to 600lbs and fling it up to 30 feet. On top of that, it can be ready to fire again in as little as 25 seconds.
The perfect addition to any dungeon on the up.

*In no way guaranteed.
**Void, lava pit, or hungry warg pen not included.
***Should you survive having set foot on it we in no way guarantee your money back.

Merkin the Aggy Wizard – Magical solutions to keep those filthy adventurers off your land.

MTAW Sticking Point 300g

We carve the finest binding runes into custom designed stone, to match your dungeon flooring. Once triggered it will hold a creature or adventurer of up to size “Giant” for up to 60 years.
Watch the filthy trespassers wither and die or torture them for as long as they live, in safety and comfort.
The Sticking Point is magic holding circle of choice for a new generation of dungeon owners.

MTAW Blow Off 450g

Who has time to cast gust of wind themselves? It requires concentration and beans. Let the magical artificers of Merkin The Aggy Wizard take care of that for you. Simply load legumes into the hopper and when triggered it will blast out a 60 foot x 10 foot blast of wind you don’t even have to think about.
Go on, blow your enemies today!

MTAW Eyes On The Prize 800g (includes 1 ball and mirror, additional balls 500g)

Whether you need to keep an eye on light fingered minions or watch for adventurers on the pillage, the Merkin The Aggy Wizard Eyes On The Prize crystal security ball is the arcane artefact for you.
Up to 64 can be connected to a beautifully designed magic mirror that would look at home in any throne room.
Simple gesture controlls allow you to switch views, zoom, or pan.
(Mirror available in silver plate or onyx effect finish)

MTAW Anti-magic Field 275g

Sometimes the best magical defence is denying them the use of magic at all.
Merkin The Aggy Wizard has you covered. These runes will block any magic use within 45 feet and mean you can get on with the business of a more martial disposal of your wand waggling enemies.
Simple to set up and available from stock today.

MTAW’s AWOL Wall 1750g

Never mind trapdoors, pits, prisons, or torture rooms. Merkin The Aggy Wizard presents: The AWOL Wall. Fitting seamlessly across any section of hallway, this one way portal to the deepest depths of the abyssal realm. An eternity of chaotic insanity awaits them beyond the veil, and they won’t even see it coming.
Say goodbye forever to all that annoy you and thanks to our new patented Fuckyoustaythere Runes(TM), you can be sure that nothing nasty will be slithering out of there or your money back*

Gruumch Praiser Designs – by Alestar the Quirky.

Behead-U-Well 1450g
Big spinny blade wheel does a cutting.
Chop chop, much blood. You like.
Do a buy. We make good trap, yes!
Such trap, very decapitate, wow!

Floor Jaws 1270g

Gnash gnash. Like big doggo.
Take their hecking legs clean off.
Hahahaha. So much blood. Cut a troll even. You not believe, but true.
Do a test, you see. Maybe not do test yourself. Use minion.
Hahahaha. Blood make Gruumch happy.
Hail Gruumch!

Squirtytronics – Spray the prey away.

Squirtytronics have been making wall mounted spray traps for over 700 years. We pride ourselves on our fine heritage of producing only the best in professional dungeon protection devices. They may come a little expensive, but you can rest safe in the knowledge that you’ve got the highest level of protection where you need it most.

The complete Squirtytronics range includes:

The Dragon’s Throat 2000g

A 30 foot blast of scortching fire that will leave your enemy a charred mess and reset in under 40 seconds.

Nature’s Vomit 1700g

Up to 20 foot coverage of poisoned mist leaves even the hardiest of adventurers incapacitated in as little as three actions.

Tundra Breath 1950g

Feel the chill wind of this icy aperture. Can freeze even a dwarf solid in under 2 seconds and is ready for action again in another 60.

The Bile Duct 1700g

The finest acid ready to melt the skin off a troll at 35 feet. This is the connoisseur’s choice in spray trap technology.

Jilted Goblin – Precision, Style, Elegance.

AG724 Multiple Arrow Deployment Device 3500g

The AG724 is the finest, arrow wall defence mechanism known to the planner universe.
A precision engineered duplication device replicates 40 arrows in 25 seconds.
Gnome engineered, platinum grade clockwork micro-ballistas launch them up to 47.5 feet and automatically reset and reload to fire again.
Master wizards craft each sensory crystal to be sure that nothing can get by undetected or un-pierced.

CB6000 Adventure Flattening Device 5750g

The most highly skilled gnome craftsmen, trained for 50 years to produce the platinum grade clockwork mechanisms used to fashion this truly breathtaking dungeon defence device.
Only the finest materials are employed in the construction of the CB6000, to ensure that your enemies aren’t merely crushed, but cold-pressed under extreme pressure, to keep in all their nutrients.
When it’s decent is complete, it rises seamlessly back into a hand-crafted ceiling recess that is undetectable by all but the most critically observant.
Guaranteed to last as long as your dungeon should stand.

Eldritch Farms

Eldritch Farms have been the choice discerning dungeon masters for years.
Our hand reared mimics are some of the most perfectly formed and vicious killers that money can buy.
Available in three sizes:

The Jewellery Box 500g

Perfect for taking off a finger or two.

The Petite Chest 1000g

Looks perfectly at home in the more demure treasure room.
Can comfortably eat an entire nothic, with room for goblin after.

The Casket Deluxe 2725g

This perfect specimen is raised to the highest standards and the perfect accompaniment for the most magnificent loot hordes across the underdark.
Very little would be left of even the sturdiest of ogres.

A Hat in Time – What do yer have to say for yerself, CUNT?!

A Hat in Time is a new 3D platformer reminiscent of N64 classics like Banjo Kazooie & Mario 64, created by Gears for Breakfast, and releasing 5th October 2017.

The game follows the character of Hat Kid, a small person with a fine taste in hats and spaceship design. Our adventure begins with our protagonist passing over a strange planet. A balding individual with a curious accent demands a flying boat tax. Cue some destruction of property and all your precious fuel (time pieces) being blown out of the window and sprinkling the planet below.

Almost immediately you’re introduced to fur-faced Little Red Riding Hood, Mustache Girl along with more of the curious and gruff Mafia.

I’ll be up front, I Kickstarted this game, I also got a review copy, so… do what you will with that information.

Now, crowdfunding for this game ended in June 2013 and delivery was estimated to be February 2014. Clearly, we’re a teensy bit behind schedule. However, Gears for Breakfast, have been nothing but transparent – as far as I could tell as a backer – with regards to what they’ve been doing with their time. My inbox has pinged with fair regularity regarding the progress, and I’ve always been happy with what I’ve seen. Perhaps things were different for those more closely following the project, those who bought in to get Alpha or Beta access, but I couldn’t say.

I’ve been pretty lucky with Kickstarters, all the games I’ve backed have actually come out, some of them were even good and worked on my system. I’m happy to say A Hat In Time ran perfectly. The one issue I encountered was patched out the day after I ran into it, and well before release.. No complaints there. The same, however, could not be said for another 3D platformer that came out this year.

I’m talking, of course, about Yooka-Laylee. The “Rare-vival” game by Playtonic. A group of former Rare staff. Firstly, that game featured a bug that meant that I couldn’t even play it for about a week after release, and even then it was by copying someone else’s save file over with the first section completed, not through a patch to actually make it work. The game was pretty boring and in many ways and felt like a naff re-skin of Banjo.

Before I get anyone jumping in saying “you probably just never played the classics, Banjo/Mario 64/Spyro” I did, I loved them, even when the camera controls made me want to hang myself with a controller, I loved them. Yooka, was just not that interesting. A Hat In Time, is that interesting. It’s pretty, it controls really well, it runs well, I wasn’t fighting the camera, the enemies are well designed and interesting, the music is delightful and the level design is wonderful.

Hat Kid’s ship serves as the main hub for the game and as you recover more time pieces, you can access new areas. Each world, or chapter, features a number of individual levels. some of these are played out in modified versions of the same location, while others are more complete levels in themselves. Mafia Town – the first world – for example, is played exclusively in the large open town level. This is modified later when it becomes flooded with lava and you must carefully make your way around to turn off giant faucets.

From the second chapter onwards, level design is much more varied. A mixture of finding key items, pure platforming and tricky but fun boss battles. The second

As is typical for the genre, there’s plenty to collect, from the basic gem currency, to safe codes, artifacts, yarn, and more. With all this, there’s plenty of reason to dive back into areas. Thanks to the way most of the worlds are laid out, you can find the rest of the collectables in any variant of the main area.

As the game progresses you encounter more types of yarn, allowing you to sew new hats and unlock abilities. You start with the stylish and fancy purple top hat that Hat Kit is usually shown in, but will quickly find enough material to sew a shiny new speed hat. This allows you to run like the wind, well… jog like the wind.

In addition to hats there are badges to be bought from a mysterious figure who looks like the spirit of an Ubisoft launch day (you’ll know who I mean when you meet them). Just hand over the required number of gem pons and you can adorn your hats, allowing yet more abilities. Examples Include an upgrade to the speed hat that lets you ride around on a cute little moped and another that lets you fire a beam of energy from your umbrella.

When pre-Alpha footage was shared along with the Kickstarter, the game already looked pretty good, but 4 years in, it’s shined up beautifully. The levels are large and interesting, what you’ll see is bold, bright and colourful, and scenes are well dressed.

As mentioned before, the music is a delight. It’s exactly what one would expect from the genre. From the bright and cheerful electro capering Mafia Town, to the spooky ambience of Subcon Forrest, and driving metal for the boss fights. These aren’t too obtrusive or repetitive and that is particularly important when you’re struggling with an area (not the game’s fault, I’m just not great at speed and precision sections).

I played all the way through with my 360 controller and found it very comfortable and intuitive. However, for the sake of review I tried out keyboard and mouse. It was far less fun. Though still manageable, finding important controls on left shift and control while moving with WASD, did not make for a fun time. At the time of writing, there is no option to redefine keys.

Overall, I had a lot of fun with this, and while I managed to get through the bulk of the game in about 12 hours, I’m keen to get back in and gather up the last few time pieces and see what else this gem has to show me.

If you’re looking for a good blast of 3D platforming nostalgia that still has something unique to say for itself, you can’t go far with this cute and vibrant new edition to the genre.


  • Pretty
  • Fun
  • Great music
  • Nice level design
  • Good Variety


  • The C.R.O. agents were rude about my CUNT
  • I could not beat that final boss on Subcon Forest
  • Felt a little short

Final score: 8/10

A Hat in Time releases 5th October 2017 on PC, Mac, Xbox One & PS4

Available from the Humble Store.

SMR Now On iTunes

*shudder* Ok, I’m not a fan of Apple, or anything they do. However, their devices are errrrvrwrrr. I’ve had a ton of comments asking if PolyArmoury could be on other platforms than Soundcloud and YouTube, so here we are: a many headed beast that enjoys the taste of your soul. jk. It’s a link to our iTunes page.

Yep, there you go the beast has eaten my morals. Enjoy.

PolyArmoury – Episode 5 – Death From Above



This week the polycule are bringing friends together. A trip to see Trashboi (with an i) leads them going on a fun adventure together.
It all turns a little sour though when some aggressive arrivals turn up at the surface gate.
There’s some fighting, some death, a small human horde, and mention of a “Thordsson” and a “Gailawei”.
What could all this mean?
And what of the spiders?


PolyArmoury – Episode 1 – Trash Salute

Sorry for the late posting here. I’ve been away and only managed to get the audio uploaded to SoundCloud before I went.

Well, Here is Episode 1 of PolyArmoury. Following immediately on from the prologue episode, our policule are now residing in Mordtown and working under Vendirak (The Half-Drow/Half-Ogre with a magic eye – not the pictures, I mean, she might have one of them kicking about in the stockroom somewhere but I mean that one of her eyes is actually magical.) Vendi has heard from a new dungeon lord that’s setting up, just outside town. Time for the party to start earning their way and to meet Impstagram celebrity, Trashboi (with an i).

Get your fidget spinners spinning and practice your formal greetings, it’s PolyArmoury.


The Program – Audio File #8

This is the eighth guided experience of The Program. I had the added bonus of my boyfriend being here as a test audience for this episode. I do enjoy seeing someone shiver when they hear the sound of an Unlit Guardian.

This week includes another glimpse outside the main thrust of the experience itself, and into the wider world of The Program. What is it? Why are people doing this? Are the recent spate of accidents at the facility actually accidents at all?

After this, there’s only two more episodes, so hopefully, there will be more answers to these questions and others.

Daroo’s Fried Rat

For those who wondered what was available to our adventurers during their dinner break at Daroo’s Fried Rat.

Please see Chris to place your order.


Daroo’s Fried Rat – Menu

Regular = 9c – Large = 1s2c

Regular = 1s – Large = 1s3c

Daroo’s original recipe rat
2 piece = 1s7c – 3 piece = 2s4c

Frisky strips (3 small fried rats with the back legs still kicking)

4 spicy rat wings

Rat fillet burger

Double fillet rat burger

Triple fillet rat burger

Cheese slice


Warchief burger (Double rat fillet w/ cheese, hashbrown & spicy relish)

Dessert Rat (fried in sweet dough and dipped in sugar)

Gluttony meal (Warchief burger or 3 pc Original recipe rat or 6 Frisky strips, 2 spicy rat wings, large fries, large Croke and a free mystery gift)

Add dessert for just 9c

PolyArmoury – Prologue

With their home, already under siege from small minded, petty bureaucrats and an orc pimp with a grudge. Madame Valarie, her lover Brilmara, and their lover & consensual slave boy, Thrall, flee in the middle of the night when their town is destroyed by human forces wielding powerful magics.

Tweet the show @PolyArmourySMR or using the hashtag #PolySMR


I’m quite pleased with how it turned out. I’ve never edited a podcast before, especially one which would require this level of editing. Ultimately I feel like the planning was worth it but I’ll need far more for next time to make sure there’s plenty to do.

Prologue and episode one were recorded together so just need to get on and edit the rest of that and start getting ready for the next session. At the moment it’s looking like it will be going up monthly as we all have a lot coming up time wise.

Laura will be at CoxCon for the weekend 21/07-24/07 (There will be all new shiny merch there if you’re interested.

George and I will be at Trans Pride on the 22/07, so come say hi if your there.

I believe there’s a chance we may all be at Brighton Pride 07/08 so again, not much time to record.

PolyArmoury is live now on YouTube and SoundCloud.

Looking forward to feedback on the show. I know I have a lot to learn, but it’s a pretty healthy start I feel.