Every now and then, someone tells me that they’re going to try the vegan thing and ask me for recipes. Now I will just link them here. Excuse the awful photos, I never intended them for show, but I wanted to try and illustrate an otherwise text heavy page.

Ultimate Chocolate Pie/Cheesecake

For pie:
1 cup flour
2 tbsp caster sugar
Vitalite
Some water

Method:

• Sift flour
• Start with a super heaped tbsp of Vitalite or other, non-dairy spread that’s suitable for cooking. Mix into the flour until you get breadcrumbs. If it gets too wet, add more flour.
• Add water by the tbs until it forms a pastry.
• Roll out pastry to about 3-5mm (depending on preference). Place in a greased pan. Blind bake on 180c until golden brown. Prolly about 10-20 mins, I don’t know eyeball it.

Alternatively, buy Just-Rol or other vegan pastry, save a fuckload of time, and it will have cooking instructions on the side =)

For cheesecake:

1 pack plain Hobnobs (Hobnobs = Success)

Some Vitalite or coconut oil, maybe some of each.

Method:

• Eat 6-8 Hobnobs
• Pour rest of packet into a bag or, if you’re nasty, just between some tea towels.
• Beat the shit out of them with a rolling pin or bludgeoning weapon until they are oaty rubble, not too rubbly.
• Lightly grease a pan and pour in the biscuit dust
• Heat 2-3 tbs of the not-butter or oil in the microwave for 10-20 seconds
• Pour it into the pan and mix up.

If it’s sticking together nicely then you’re good to spread it evenly over the base and pop it in the fridge to chill for 5-10 mins.

If not, lube that biscuit rubble up with more of the same until it is.

For the filling:
1 pack of silken tofu (sometimes called firm silken because people talk utter shite)
1 bar of super vegan dark chocolate.
2 heaped tbsp icing sugar
1 tsp vanilla essence
A splash of non-dairy milk – pref soy as it plays well with the tofu (natch).

Method:

• Drain the tofu, you don’t need to press it, just get the excess tofu water off of it.
• Place in a blender (you could probably do it with a hand blender but it could get messy)
• Turn it to paste.
• Melt the chocolate, either short bursts in the microwave after you smash it up, or in a bowl, suspended in a pan of hot water.
• Add chocolate, vanilla, 1tbs icing sugar to tofu and blend until smooth and evenly chocolatey.
• Taste, if it’s too bitter, you may want the rest of the sugar. Add more to taste.

If it looks like you could turn the blender upside down and it wouldn’t move in a month, add a splash of the milk.

It should pour like golden syrup

• Pour it into you your case/base and pop it in the fridge to set. Overnight is best but if you can’t wait, 1-2 hours will do.

In the meantime, enjoy licking all the things clean of chocolate and sugar. (this is an excellent way to flirt)

Delicious Foody Noms™

You’re poor. We’re all poor. Down with capitalism.

With that in mind. Here is cheap food you can add or remove bits of depending on how recently you got paid.

1-2 carrots

1 medium onion (can use onion powder if you’re strapped – pro tip, onion powder comes in huge bags on amazon for a couple of quid and will do you for onion flavour for over a year)

An amount of garlic relative to your taste (again, powder is an option. Your local asian supermarket probably has big ole bags for a couple of quid that will last ages).

1 tin/carton of chopped tomatoes (basics is just as good as branded stuff)

1-2 sticks of celery (optional)

1 bell pepper of your preferred colour (optional)

1 handful per person of dried soy chunks (asian supermarket will likely do big ole bags for about a fiver. This should last a month or so, even if you’re using it in every meal)

Some kind of gravy granules/seasoning powder. (eg all purpose seasoning, swiss bullion, etc. Heck, you can use worcestershire sauce some paprika, curry powder, liquid aminos, liquid smoke. Go fancy, go minimal if you’re skint. You do you).

Herbs if you have them.

1-2 tbsp of nutritional yeast if you have it

Method:

Boil kettle.

Add soy chunks to a measuring jug or bowl.

Cover with boiling water and stir.

Add a couple of teaspoons of gravy granules/seasoning powder/whatever flavouring you have.

Stir occasionally until soft.

Chop and fry any veg you have until softened and lightly brown.

Mix in tomatoes.

Add garlic if you have it.

If you’re doing this with something (rice/pasta/noodles/the last of your hopes and dreams) put this on now.

Bring to a light bubble and then put on a low heat for ~10 mins

Now add the flavoured soy chunks to the sauce and stir. You may wish to add some of the

flavouring water from these, to the sauce and simmer this down for added flavour.

Serve and enjoy.

Fancy this shit up:

So, you’re in the money or the supermarket had stuff on sale/expired discount/some jars are small and easily concealable (I’m not at all encouraging whatever you may think I’m suggesting there) and you want to make this a bit more spesh. Well, you could add some courgettes, sliced and fried until browned. Add some sun-dried tomato paste/sriracha/peri peri sauce to add some explosive flavour.

Whatever Curry

It’s totally not curry in the traditional sense, but it has nice flavours and smells amazing.

1-2 carrots chopped or cut into thin strips

1-2 sticks of celery finely chopped (optional)

1 red or yellow pepper diced

1 medium onion chopped

Like, a bulb of garlic. Garlic is the best. Add some, then add a load more.

1 tin/carton chopped tomatoes

2 cups of dried soy chunks

Herbs/Spices: Curry powder, chilli powder, turmeric, coriander, cumin. OR a pre-blended curry spice of some kind.

3 heaped tsps curry paste

1 tin coconut milk (can use low fat coconut milk, powdered coconut, that dehydrated coconut stuff that comes in the green packed that you add water to to make it more milk/creamy, if you’re making it rain, there’s always coconut cream.

Rice

Method:

Boil water.

Make up soy chunks in a measuring jug/bowl.

Add some of each of the spices to the water to add lots of that sweet curry flavour and get those good good smells going.

Fry all the veg in a little oil until softened and lightly browned.

Add curry paste and stir thoroughly.

Add garlic, tomatoes, coconut milk/cream/whatever you’re using.

1-2 tbsp of nutritional yeast if you have it

Your kitchen now smells amazing.

Give it a taste as the coconut may have nerfed the spice and other flavours somewhat.

Add spice/seasoning to power it back up to your taste.

Add in the soy chunks

Bring to the boil and then reduce heat to low and let it simmer for about 15-20 mins. (If you’re in a rush, give the curry 5 minutes and then add some veggie gravy granules to thicken it up and bring out the flavour.)

Get your rice going, add a little turmeric to the water to add colour and aroma to your rice, if you like.

Serves 4, or 1-2 ravenous curry monsters. Hey! Don’t judge me.

Something Resembling Lasagne

Guess what’s in this, can you? Prolly by now.

For red sauce:

1 medium onion – finely chopped

1 red or orange pepper – chopped

1-2 carrots – finely chopped

1-2 celery sticks – finely chopped (optional)

3 cups of dried soy mince (optional)

1-2 tins/cartons of chopped tomatoes

1-2 tbsp of nutritional yeast if you have it

6-7 metric tons of garlic, with additional garlic to taste.

Italian herbs. Lots of oregano.

For white sauce:

1 pack silken tofu

¼ cup of non-dairy milk (pref soy)

1-2 tbsp of nutritional yeast or cheese flavour sauce powder.

Grated gary (optional)

Other:

Grated gary to top (optional)

Lasagne sheets (there are squash lasagne sheets but not tried them myself. Plus pasta is awesome, why deny yourself that)

Method:

Fry veg until soft and lightly brown.

Add tomato and all the garlic in the world.

Add herbs, nooch, soy mince. If the soy mince dries everything else out. Add a little water to get it back to a proper consistency.

Heat on high until it start getting aggy and then turn to low for 5ish mins.

The sauce should be a little bit wetter than you’d like for bolognese as it needs that to soften the pasta while it’s cooking.

Tofu in blender, blitz.

Add all the other sauce stuff and a little black pepper if you have it.

Build the lasagne. Red sauce, pasta/veg sheets, white sauce x2/3 depending on the size of your lasagne dish.

Top with a little shredded gary if you have it. I’m told you can mash cornflakes or tortilla chips if you want to make the top have a bit of crunch to it.

Pop it in the oven on 180c for 40-50 mins.

Maybe time to make some garlic bread. (bread, butter, garlic, parsley (optional))

The Family Ginger Cake Recipe™

When I was little, my maternal parent used to make a magical cake. It was sweet and sticky and made me silly and sleepy and then pass out. It’s a Scooby Doo mystery =O

227 gram / ½ lb Self-raising flour.

227 gram / ½ lb Golden syrup.

85 gram / 3 oz Margarine.

57 gram / 2 oz Dark brown sugar (Demerara or Muscovado)

2 tsp Ground ginger (Level)

1/8 pt non-dairy milk

1 tbsp Cocoa

Enough VeganEgg to equal 1 egg.

Mysterious ingredient X

Method:

Preheat oven to 150c

Sift Ginger, Flour and Coco

Melt Margarine, Sugar,Syrup, that other thing (Don’t boil)

Beat VEgg and not-Milk

Mix all ingredients together until it is battery

Pour into greased cake tin.

Put in oven for 45 mins.

Pancakes

Aww yiss gotta have a delicious golden stack one morning.

1 cup plain flour

2 tbsp baking powder

2 tbsp caster sugar

1 tsp vanilla essence

1 cup soy milk (vanilla soy milk is also good for this)

Method:

Sieve dry ingredients together

Add soy milk

Mix to a thick batter

Cook on a medium heat in a lightly oiled pan.

Flip when the edges firm up and the bubbling stops.

Peanut Butter Heroin

They vanish somehow. I know not where they go. These are some sweet sweet peanut butter cookies.

75g non-dairy spread

50g 100% peanut peanut butter

50g caster sugar

50g demerara sugar

100g plain flour

Handful of porridge oats

1 tsp almond essence (optional)

2 tbsp cacao nibs (optional)

Dark chocolate buttons to top (optional)

Method:

Pre-heat oven to 200c

Mix all dry ingredients together

Mix in the moist ingredients

Divide into 8 balls and flatten them to delicious disc shaped.

Add buttons if you’re going super fancy.

Bake for 20 mins.

Leave to cool on a rack for about 5-10 mins.

Blink and realise they’re all gone somehow.

How did this happen? My delicious cookies, Where did my delicious baked goods vanish off to.

Ignore feeling of fullness and suspicious crumbs.

Bake more cookies.